Twelve Nights
by Jason Tandro
Summary: That's right. Jason Tandro is writing 12 short stories about the holidays, all rooted in his previous works. See intro for details.
1. Introduction

Twelve Nights: You Get The Reference

Or

Yet Another Christmas Fanfiction

Or

Wow, Jason Tandro Has Really Sold Out To The Whole Holiday Concept Hasn't He?

By: Jason Tandro

Author's Note: Ah, the season is once again upon us. That lovely time when we send bargain bin gifts to relatives we barely know because one of the original Pope's decided that we should have the celebration of Christ's birth coincide with the Roman celebration of Saturnus.

To my fellow Christians, please try not to get dragged into the commercialism and remember what the season is about.

To my non-Christian friends, don't let my asshole fellow Christians get you down by saying that since you're not Christian you shouldn't celebrate Christmas.

To my "somewhere-in-betweener" friends, I offer this delightful little story about the holiday season. As a nice "sampler" I have decided to include bits and pieces of the characters and storylines from all of my fanfictions, all wrapped up in the 33 cent dollar store bow holding this whole thing together: Christmas.

---


	2. Christmas in Wutai

Christmas in Wutai

(Original Story Concept: Day Off)

Although Wutai celebrated the traditional celebrations of their societal ancestors, ever since Shinra had occupied their town, they now celebrated Christmas as well. The only part of town not covered in red and green baubles was the massive statue of Da-Chao, which the Lord Godo had expressly forbade being decorated. Even though Shinra did not take Lord Godo's position terribly seriously, they decided that it would be better to avoid an incident, especially during Christmas.

Reno had decided to spend this holiday in Wutai mainly to be away from the office Christmas party, which every year had its budget slashed. If the trend had continued this year, then the party would consist of vending machine snacks organized delicately around a two-liter bottle of store-bought ginger ale. Maybe some paper-mache ornaments.

Reno took his two close comrades Rude and Elena with him. Rude had tried to convince Reno that Elena was just going to cause them to have to do work again, but Reno told him, albeit in a disappointed tone, that he wouldn't be a good boss if he didn't allow his subordinates to join in the celebration.

So far, Elena had actually been in the best spirit. Well, spirits would be a more appropriate word, as she was now knocking back her twelfth egg nog. Rude couldn't help but feel a slight harping in his chest, which was no doubt his masculine pride hurting at this impressive display by Elena. Even though the alcohol content in normal egg nog was nothing to brag about, when you mixed it the way that the boys at the Turtle's Paradise did (2 parts egg nog: 1 part vodka), then it had a bit of a kick to it.

"So this is why you guys are always drunk!" Elena smiled. "My head feels all funny."

"Damn, you figured as petite as she is, she'd be a lightweight, but she's still holding her head up after that," Reno chuckled. "You're gone after like, what, five of those?"

Rude cursed internally, but said nothing, continue to suck on his lime green whiskey.

Suddenly two guards burst into the Turtle's Paradise. "Thank goodness it's true. The Turks are here!"

Reno sighed. "Look, I don't care what mess you've got on your hands, you can clean it up yourself. It's Christmas!"

"It's not what you think!" The first soldier shouted. "There is some girl trapped up on Da-Chao, and nobody can get there because of the snow and ice!"

"Do I look like a fireman?" Reno asked. "What makes you think we can get up there to save that girl?"

"You've got the chopper," The second soldier observed.

"And you're the only qualified pilot in town. Anybody else trying to fly in this mess would be suicide," The first continued.

"Oh, well you're in luck. I hear the holidays gets some people depressed, just find one of them to do it," Reno replied curtly.

Elena, despite her inebriation, spoke. "Shame on you, Reno."

Rude was wearing his shades, but Reno could tell that he was rolling his eyes in an "I-told-you-so" manner.

"What was that, darling?" Reno asked.

"It's Christmas! How would you like to be stuck up on some rock in the freezing cold with nobody coming to save you huh?" Elena shook an accusatory finger at him. "Santa's gonna leave coal in your stocking!"

Elena then fell out of her chair, knocking over what looked like a very expensive bust.

"Fine," Reno sighed. "I mean if you're gonna play the Santa-card on me."

Rude shrugged his shoulders. "Should we just leave her here?"

"Yeah, that works," Reno replied.

They headed out of the bar, and north towards a small, well-lit stone square which Reno had used as his helipad. A group of musicians had set up shop near the massive AC-600, and the sound of Good Christian Men, Rejoice being played on koto and shamisen was not exactly offensive to the ear, but it was unnervingly different. The spinning of the massive blades managed to knock over the band, which caused Rude to spit whiskey out of his nose.

"And to all, a good night!" Reno laughed, as they took off.

The AC-600 slowly approached the side of Da-Chao. Seeing as there was no safe landing zone, especially in this blizzard, Reno decided to take a chance and have Rude keep the chopper airborne while he searched for the girl on foot.

"Hey, intelligence says that there is a cave with fire pits near the mouth of Da-Chao. If she's smart she'll have headed there to stay warm and dry," Rude said.

"If she was smart she wouldn't have climbed up a godforsaken rock in the middle of a blizzard," Reno retorted. "But maybe her survival instincts are late-bloomers. I'll check there first."

A short hike through the blistering wind was more than enough excitement for Reno. After about ten minutes in the blizzard conditions the only thing keeping him going was the fact that he hadn't heard the massive explosion indicating that Rude's alcohol had gotten the better of him and he had sent the AC-600 crashing into the side of the mountain.

He finally reached the fire pit cavern, where he saw a young girl in what could at best be called a stylish winter coat, and a worse an impractical one. She wore jeans, but it seemed only grudgingly as one of the knees had a noticeable tear that was clearly not caused by her trek.

Reno recognized this girl.

"Yuffie," Reno called out.

Yuffie looked up at him, and rushed at him with her shuriken in hand. Reno only had a split second to dodge her attack, and did so. He grabbed her by the wrist and spun her around, but she kicked his knee and broke the hold with her free hand.

"Calm down!" Reno shouted. "I'm here to rescue you!"

"Yeah right. Like I needed rescuing!" Yuffie shouted, trying to maintain her pride.

"Oh, you don't? Cause that's cool. If you're really fine then I'm gonna go back to the bar and relax. But I'm gonna spread the word, you know, so ain't nobody else gonna come back and try to rescue you either," Reno said tersely.

Yuffie's stance remained firm, and the grip on her shuriken as tight as ever, but Reno could see a flicker of fear in her eyes. He couldn't help but feel a little sorry for her, but even so, it wasn't his problem.

"Look, if you want some assistance: it's not like we're rescuing you, or doing you a favor. We're just helping you do what you could do on your own anyways," Reno explained.

Yuffie looked around at the fire pits, as if she was pondering whether or not she could bear to stay here overnight. Finally, she relaxed her grip. "Fine, if you boys want to spend some time with me that badly, I guess I can't refuse. It is Christmas after all."

Reno nodded and led her back to the chopper, where Rude was singly loudly (as if trying to out-shout the blades themselves) a slightly bastardized version of the Twelve Days of Christmas, which involved his true love giving him either expensive weaponry or performing unspeakable sexual acts.

"Yo! Beethoven!" Reno shouted. "Lower the rope, damn it!"

And so the chopper landed back in Wutai, once again knocking over the very agitated band. Yuffie jumped out of the chopper and began to run off. But, with a bit of hesitance, she turned and bowed politely to Rude and Reno, before blushing and turning to run off once again.

Rude and Reno entered the bar, where one of the soldiers was trying to revive Elena. Elena was now awake physically, but she was still drunk.

"Leave her be, she's fine," Reno said.

"Did you save that girl?" The soldier asked.

"Yeah. I guess Santa will stop by my house tonight. Which is a shame, because it's in Midgar and here I am in Wutai," Reno laughed.

"Thank goodness. Well I have to get back to my rounds," the soldier said. "My friend left to cover my shift."

"Good deal, get outta here," Reno replied.

"Merry Christmas!" Rude shouted, now joining Elena on the floor, holding a bottle of bourbon in his hand.

Reno groaned, ordered a bottle of Skotch and whispered. "Bah, Humbug."


	3. Intensive Carol

Intensive Carol

(Original Story Concept: Highwind MD)

Author's Note: You can punch me for that pun. I won't duck.

Cid Highwind leaned back against the clinic wall, sucking on the wet end of a cigar. Some people thought it was stupid and hypocritical for a doctor to smoke, but then (in Cid's words) "some people were morons."

He had been using the cane for a while now. Shera had chosen a rather choice punishment for breaking the good pot, and now he walked with a limp wherever he went. And mind you, she missed her intended target, so Cid counted himself lucky.

His boss, the shrill, yet somehow sexy, Tifa Lockhart can strolling into the clinic holding a file in her hand.

"You've got a case," Tifa said.

"No, just a six-pack, but I'll share," Cid replied.

Tifa dropped the file into his lap, which made him flinch just a bit. Cid looked over the information in the large manilla folder. "Well, this sucks."

---

"Got a case!" Cid announced as he hobbled into his office, where a small plastic Christmas tree had been decorated against his will.

His subordinate doctors, Cloud Strife, Aerith Gainsborough, and Barret Wallace sat watching Christmas specials on the television. It was obvious that they had hoped to get out of work at a decent hour this Christmas. Barret was wearing a santa hat and Aerith was drinking some hot chocolate, which she was stirring with a candy cane.

"Can't we just let him die? It's Christmas?" Asked Cloud.

"Believe me, I wanted to, but Tifa said she'd spank me if I didn't do it," Cid paused. "Or maybe she said she wouldn't spank me… I forget. Either way, we've got a mountain climber to save."

"Mountain climber? It's probably frostbite," Barret suggested.

"Wow, that's impressive. You're trying to be like me with the whole diagnosing before you've even seen the guy. The difference is I've seen his file," Cid joked.

He tossed the manilla folder onto the table, and his peons set to work looking over the information, as he began to debrief them.

"Mountain climber John Doe. He was found on the mountains outside of Midgar, and he's not moving," Cid explained. "He's breathing. He's just not moving or talking."

"Paralysis," Aerith explained. "It doesn't affect the respiratory system, like stone."

"It's -12 degrees at the top of that mountain. He was probably frozen and it's wearing off. Give him an hour or two," Cloud suggested.

"Or it could be stone, but it's slow-onset. In that hour you'll see discoloration, " Barret said.

"That's what you said about the last case. Do you just really like that diagnosis? It's not like a toothbrush, you can't share it with a neighbor," Cid complained.

"Okay… start by treating him for everything. Remedy+, the good stuff. If that works, wean him off of each effect, and then we'll find out what he has by the process of elimination," Cid explained.

---

Cid's only friend was the well-mannered Red XIII. He was essentially a beast, which explained why Cid liked him. He had long since given up hope on humanity for some stupid reason or another.

"So what are you doing for Christmas?" Red asked.

"Mountain Climber John Doe. Apparently Tifa hates me," Cid whined.

"Huh. Well let's hope things go better than your last case," Red suggested.

---

Cid stood over the body of his dead patient.

"You know… if this trend continues I'm gonna have to start working in the morgue," Cid realized. "How did he die?"

"Oh, that's not really your fault," said Tifa as she walked into the room. "When I said that he was still breathing… well, I was lying"

"Why?" Cid asked.

"Everybody lies," Tifa said.

"Oh, that makes sense. Still doesn't explain why you lied, but okay," Cid noted.

"Basically I wanted to keep you busy until I could wrap this," Tifa said, pulling out a small box.

"Please tell me it's a pair of your panties," Cid joshed.

He opened the box and saw what looked like car keys.

"You bought me a car?" Cid asked.

"New electric wheelchair. Watching you limp is just depressing," Tifa said.

"Well Merry Christmas to you too," Cid cursed, as he discreetly pocketed the keys.

And so another day had passed, and yet another person had died under the attentive care of Cid Highwind, MD.


	4. Irvine's Christmas

Irvine's Christmas

(Original Story Concept: Irvine's Mind)

Wow. I mean, I know the Garden goes nuts for the holidays but this is really nice. Jeez, that tree has gotta be like 90 feet high! Is that a star at the top? Oh… no. It's a scale model of the Garden. That's a little sacrilegious. Ah, who cares. Time to get me some punch.

Whoa. That sure as hell doesn't look like punch. It's all green and… hm. Doesn't taste that bad.

Say… is that Quistis? Whoa. I must be dreaming. She's dress up like Mrs. Claus and Rinoa and Selphie are her elves! Say… Mrs. Claus. Am I on the good list or the naughty list?

Oh come on, damn it! It's Christmas. Say something clever.

"Um, hi."

Masterful. Next time, let's try for three syllables. Okay, gotta divert my focus. Hey! Cid is dressed up as Santa too. I guess the joke was that he's "Santa" and Quisitis as deputy headmistress is "Mrs. Claus". Sure hope Edea doesn't get jealous.

Speaking of that, where is she? Oh, she's over there knocking back her third egg nog. Wow, that woman sure can dance when she's drunk. Maybe I shouldn't have spiked the drinks.

Nice catch Zell! She would've broken her neck if she'd fallen from that height! And… what the fuck is up with your head. You're wearing reindeer antlers… so are you like… Quistis's bitch?

I didn't know she was into pony play, damn. Though I wouldn't mind seeing Rinoa and Selphie with some blinders on and attached to reins…. Damn it! Okay, calm down. Just think of something else. Rinoa is Squall's girlfriend… Rinoa is Squall's girlfriend. Selphie is free though. And it's not like we're fighting together anymore… maybe I should see if she's interested.

Wow. That music really sucks, though. You gotta love Oh Holy Night performed by 30 underclassmen who's instruments appear to have suffered rain damage. Oh for crying out loud tenor section, get in key! You're just smashing a bag of dying cats against the rest of the orchestra!

Oh a bag of cats… Selphie in a bag. Clawing to get out… okay why the fuck does THAT turn me on? I have serious problems. Okay just try to keep cool.

Hey, here comes Squall. He looks his usual brooding self. Ah, that's cute. He's giving Rinoa a piggy-back ride. I want that. I'd like a girl who I can do that sort of stuff with. My fetishes and general perversion aside, it sure would be nice to find a girl who was into something serious.

Hey, maybe Selphie is. She's seemed kinda flighty, but that might be my misinterpretation. Although that is a somewhat provocative elf costume. Hey! What's she doing talking to that Sabre! He's like four years older than her.

Okay. Time to break this up. I'll need some kind of Christmas miracle. Wait a minute… drunk Edea. That's it! Come on, Matron, it's time for you to fulfill your motherly role once again. Wow, she can't even stand up. I guess that was powerful stuff.

Hey! I'll give her a piggyback ride. Come on. Wow, Edea, you're light as a feather. Okay, now time to rescue that girl that I know from… uh… having a good time with somebody who isn't me!

Maybe I shouldn't be running. Edea seems pretty sick. Whoa! Okay relax Edea, I'm gonna set you down. Wow… more people than I'd like are looking at me right now. No no, don't… oh, you did. That's really gross. On the plus side that Sabre seems pretty distracted right now.

What the hell? Oh Quistis.

"Hey."

You went down to one syllable that time. Don't stare at her cleavage. Don't stare at her cleavage. Look into her eyes and… hey, she's pissed. I don't know nothing about spiking any drink. And Edea asked me to give her a piggyback ride.

Oh, that's not pissed. She's drunk too. No, Quistis. Keep your shirt on Quistis! At least until I can get you out of public view. And, she took her top off… oh it's just her jacket.

Sorry about that girls. Okay, well that did it. Nothing ruins your horny like watching an older woman puke and having a hot younger woman clean her up with her jacket. Ugh…I'm gonna go see if there's any egg nog left.


	5. Wreck The Halls

Wreck The Halls

(Original Story Concept: The Wrench's Story)

Author's Note: Yeah, that was pretty bad too. They're only gonna get worse.

Author's Note (About the Story This Time): Okay, so I loved the Wrench's Story. It remains one of my favorite stories that I've written to this day, with Limit Break holding the top seat and Score being number 2. (I imagine when my FF7 Novelization is complete, that'll take number 1 and they will be pushed down accordingly). But I digress.

So as a change of pace, I'm going to continue the story of the Wrench where we left off. Having been in the Time Compressed World, it now can sporadically switch between dimensions, which is the basis of this story.

Now you don't have to read the original story to enjoy this (The idea was to have these be related to, without dependent on the original story), but if you are confused, let me explain this much about the original. The Wrench's Story was my description about how the wrench that fell from the top of the communication tower in that one FMV caused almost all the major events of FF8, with a sort of cymbal crash "punch line" ending at the end of chapter 4, which I won't spoil in case you decide to read it.

For those of you that have read it, the wrench has now "blipped" into another dimension and is about to begin its reign of terror once again.

---

Tselinoyarsk, Russia 1964

Virtuous Mission

Snake's grip tightened on his survival knife as he saw the blonde-haired man in the black uniform walk up to him.

"So, this is the famous Boss," the man said half-jokingly, half-menacingly in his soft and high pitched voice.

Snake gestured to the man he had been escorting, Sokolov, to hide, which he did without stopping to think. He had already been in a tight spot being held up by the KGB that surrounded him. But they had apparently forgotten about Snake and were now pointing their weapons at this man.

"You're a GRU soldier. What are you doing here?" One of the guards asked.

"Soldier?" The man asked indignantly. He pulled out a maroon beret and placed it upon his head with a bit of a flourish.

"He's the GRU Commander, Ocelot," said another in horror.

"That's Major Ocelot to you," Ocelot said with another air of indignation.

The KGB moved closer together, still keeping their guns pointed at Ocelot. One of them finally plucked up the courage to say: "Sokolov is ours. Now get out of here."

"An Ocelot never lets his prey escape," Ocelot said coldly. He then shot each of the KGB guards down with his Mauser, hitting one by deflecting a bullet off of a nearby metal girder.

"I can't say it feels good to kill a comrade," said Ocelot, with only the vaguest hint of remorse. "Even if it is for the GRU."

Suddenly, Ocelot let out a massive cougar call that sent three other men wearing ski masks and similar uniforms beside him.

"GRU operatives!" Sokolov bellowed in terror from his hiding spot.

"What's with that stance?" Ocelot mocked. "And that gun?"

The other GRU soldiers laughed when Ocelot sent them an approving nod. Ocelot walked behind Snake and then back around him.

"If you're not the Boss," he said. "Then die."

As he turned to fire the weapon, something completely unexpected happened (well, to him at any rate). Out of nowhere a wrench fell from the sky and hit the barrel of his Mauser as he attempted to eject the bullet by hand. The gun jammed and as Ocelot gasped in horror, more at the sudden appearance of a tool than his gun jamming, Snake took the opportunity to strike.

Bullets went flying everywhere. Snake knocked down Ocelot and then grabbed one of the operatives and used him as a human shield while he shot a tranquilizer dart into another. The third went over to pick up the wrench, in an effort to use it as a weapon (his gun having been knocked out of his hand during the initial firefight. He threw it at Snake, but only managed to hit his comrade in the back of the head, giving Snake to opportunity to sink a dart right between his eyes.

Before passing out, he saw the Wrench suddenly vanish.

---

Yuna was laying against the side of the Al Bhed salvage ship. The Psyches didn't want to hurt her, it seemed, but they had taken her against her will, tied her feet and hands together and forced her to lay on the ground.

What they didn't know was that Yuna had been taught many years ago by Lulu how to escape from ropes. Yuna sometimes wondered how Lulu had learned this skill, but it was extremely easy with Yuna's slender hands. The Al Bhed were quite sloppy, leaving the knots in places where her prying fingers could easily grab hold of them. She undid her wrists first, rubbing them with a hint of satisfaction at her handiwork, and then undid her feet.

She heard Lulu, Kimarhi and Tidus fighting the massive machina on deck. If only there was some way that she could help. The Al Bhed had taken away her staff, and without it her magic was not nearly potent enough and she lacked the ability to summon. She had to get it back, but she would need to find a weapon.

And then she noticed it. Lying on the ground, where the ropes binding her had been, was a wrench. It appeared seemingly out of nowhere on top of the ropes she just took off. That was weird, no doubt, but she didn't have time to question it at the moment. She picked up the wrench, and as one of the Al Bhed guards came down the hallway to check on her, she smashed him on the back of the head.

Just then the door opened, and Tidus and the others saw the bludgeoned figure of the guard fall to the ground.

Yuna quickly dropped the wrench, out of embarrassment.

"I hope you hurt them," Lulu said, smiling.

"A little," Yuna replied, wiping a bit of the guards blood off on her dress.

None of them noticed the wrench disappear from sight.

---

"This facility is now under the control of the U-TIC Organization!" said the armored man. "You do not need the die needlessly. Stand down and we promise no harm will come to you."

The scientists put their hands on their heads. What they had been fearing since day one was happening. The terrorist group was going to try and take their new prototype weapon, the android KOS-MOS for themselves.

Shion Uzuki did not know who these men were, but she would not let them harm KOS-MOS. She tried to resist, but two soldiers pinned her down as the man who spoke approached the cradle where KOS-MOS now lay.

"She's not ready yet!" Shion shouted, but it was no good, he was preparing to open it.

The cradle was now open and KOS-MOS stepped out. She looked terrifying, and yet manageable.

Suddenly, there was a massive clanging sound, and KOS-MOS went berserk. She tore around the room, unable to discern friend from foe. Before Shion was knocked out, she saw a small wrench lying in the cradle.

---

The wrench was moving faster than ever now, torn between worlds. At one point, it was part of a Katamari, at another, it flew from a Vendeeni cannon, knocking Fayt's escape pod off course. It broke the valve on the Mako Reactor in Nibelheim, and somehow diverted what would have been the winning kick in the ACC Championship match between the JMU Dukes and the UBA Blazers.

"What the hell is that?" Shouted Lee Corso.

"I don't know, but I think it's some kind of wrench," replied Brad Nessler.

It finally landed on a backwater planet, where a young man named Ratchet was trapped.

"Hey," Ratchet said. "With some work, this would be a great Omni-Wrench!"

And finally, the wrench found a partner who was just as destructive as he was. It was finally at peace. Too bad it wasn't Christmas when Ratchet found this, because then it would have been an awesome story, but instead I just sort of dragged you on for four pages for a really bad punch-line.


	6. Resolution

Resolution

(Original Story Concept: One More Round)

Reno, Rude and Tseng sat at their usual table. They were spending their New Years Eve together at the seedy underground pub in Lower Junon. While the bartender tried to keep up with drink orders, while humming along with every holiday song that came on the radio, the three friends were discussing how they would better themselves for the coming holiday.

"Well," said Reno. "I vow to do better at work, to treat my friends with more respect, and to give up drinking."

Reno took a large gulp of his beer.

"I vow to spend this year looking for a nice woman and start down the road to a serious relationship," said Rude.

"You, in a serious relationship?" Reno asked.

"I've had a couple of serious girlfriends in the past," Rude replied.

Tseng nodded. "It's true. He doesn't sleep around, like you."

Reno shrugged his shoulders noncommittally.

"I vow to crack down harder on employee offenses of policy, delegate more authority to my subordinates, and win the award for World's Best Boss," Tseng replied.

Tseng and Reno had pretty much the same policy on New Years Resolutions. The idea was to wildly proclaim whatever, fall off the wagon the next day and continue on with their lives as if nothing had ever happened.

"I wonder what Elena is up to right now." Reno pondered.

"Probably hanging out with her boyfriend," Tseng reasoned. "Waiting to ring in the new year."

"You wanna go watch the parade?" Rude asked.

"No way. It's the same every year. Our tradition is to drink ourselves stupid at this pub, and when the proverbial ball drops we make one final toast and go home," Reno said.

"Don't you have to fly tomorrow?" Tseng asked.

"Well, I'm training a new pilot," Reno said. "I only have to be a little sober."

Tseng laughed.

"Speaking of which, there's only a minute to go!" Rude announced.

Everyone in the bar leaned in the direction of the radio. The bartender tried to settle everybody down in order to synchronize a countdown. Unfortunately coordination was not something that a rabble of 20 or so barflies were able to grasp, and so the only numbers that were actually said in unison was 3…2…1.

Reno took another gulp of his beer. "Well, maybe I'll do better next year."

Tseng nodded. "Yeah, well I'm right there with you Reno. I'm gonna overlook your 'little sober' comment."

Out of nowhere, a woman staggered across the room and planted a kiss on Rude. Tseng and Reno exchanged glances.

"You see, that's why I make resolutions," Rude said, as he took the girls hand and left the bar.

Reno and Tseng laughed a little, but took large gulps of their beers afterwords.


	7. I'll Be Home For Christmas Part 1

I'll Be Home For Christmas- Part 1

(Original Story Concept: Limit Break)

Author's Note: Many of you read my epic disaster serial Limit Break. It remains (as I stated earlier) my favorite of all my fan-fictions. When mulling over how best to present the Christmas version of this epic story, I came to three realizations.

First, I knew that it wasn't going to be an in-betweener (like, this is how they celebrated Christmas while stuck). First off, my timeline was too rigid for that plot to pass and secondly I have never liked stories like that.

Second, I knew that it was going to be an entirely different set of events, that are spiritually a sequel, as all of these have been.

Third, I came to the realization that I haven't got 12 unique stories that I can make a Christmas tale out of! (I have deleted three stories: Blitz, Oddball and In The Deep, due to general disinterest or my own realization that they suck. Also, I do not count FF7 Novelization, Final Fantasy Abridged or A Turkish Christmas Party for obvious reasons, and since Abyss is a sequel to The Secret Lives of Turks I count them as one. Also, I decided not to do a parody for Assignment because I already have enough Turk stories and I just started Wanted, so I'm ignoring that too.)

So, to follow in the spirit of the original, there will be three chapters devoted to this story that will be spread out throughout this collection.

---

December 21

Trabia Canyon, 2200 Hours

The Balamb Garden Tactical Strike Force consisted of 12 members under ordinary circumstances. Two squads of six who were trained in covert ops ranging from urban espionage to marine infiltration tactics. Given the special "situation" that had arisen, things were a little different today. The TSF now consisted of 16 members.

Added to the twin squads were some notable people indeed.

Xu, the Balamb Garden Spec Ops. Instructor and noted "mother of Balamb Garden Special Operations", was joining them because of her experience in both the required skills and knowledge of the terrain.

Nida, the former pilot of Balamb Garden, back when it still flew, was coming along mainly because he had asked to go, and he would be a critical part of the operations success.

Irvine Kinneas, head of a special forces sniper team called the Marksmen, was coming along because the mission required the use of a sniper.

Squall Leonhart, the current Garden Master of Balamb Garden and head of all operations concerning SeeD, the mercenary unit dispatched from Balamb Garden, was coming along to supervise the mission.

The briefing they had sat through on the transport summarized what had been about 36 hours of heated debate amongst the leaders of Balamb Garden. They finally had reached a concensus and set up this mission.

Somewhere in the vast city of Esthar, there was a woman who claimed to be a Sorceress.

SeeD's mission was to defeat any Sorceress that posed a threat to mankind, and if this woman was telling the truth, then this would be the first time that they had any need to use their power.

The infiltration method was designed to be so covert that the Sorceress could not detect it, which is hard to do. They had sent five dummy teams of Spec. Ops, SeeD and other elite groups to create a diversion. Some approaching by air, some by sea, and another one by land. Only the TSF had started so far back, and only they had the authorization to kill the Sorceress without provocation.

Xu thought that it had been a dead giveaway to have Squall in their team, but Squall insisted that he be there to defend his support staff. If Xu hadn't been flattered, she would have been offended at his lack of trust.

They stopped at the top of the first set of switchbacks which led up the side of the canyon. The soldiers began to set up their tents; they were going to call it a day.

"We're due to be at the top of this mountain on the morning of the 23rd," Squall said. "Under these conditions we're going to be hard pressed the meet that goal."

The mountain had been in sub-zero temperatures since November and there was currently a hailstorm headed their way. Combine that with 2 feet of snow on the ground, even on the relatively well-maintained switchbacks, and you have a combination from hell.

"So what's the deal with this? We take a shot into Esthar from on top of the mountain?" Irvine asked. "I mean my aim is good, but a 3 mile gap is hard for a bullet to clear."

"The Sorceress will be at the ritual Stone Fields between Esthar and Trabia. She claims that she will be summoning power from the Stones," Squall said.

"If she's a fraud, it'll be a low-level GF, most likely. If she's the real deal, then we'll know it," Xu added.

"How?" Nida asked.

Squall shook his head. "Trust me, when you've dealt with as many Sorceress's as we have, you can just feel it in your bones. There's that gripping sensation of terror, the knowledge deep down in your soul that you're looking into a vessel of malevolent power."

Nida trembled. "I've never seen a Sorceress in action before. The closest I ever got was when we fought Edea all those years ago."

"Well then," Irvine said, patting Nida on the shoulder. "I really hope she is a fraud."

---

The hailstorm came during the night. Even the polar tents that they had packed for the trip were no match for the massive chunks of ice. One fist-sized stone tore a hole in the Commander's Tent, and after reinforcing the hole with spare tarp, Squall made a "friendly recommendation" that the troops sleep with their helmets on.

Squall himself got very little sleep. The mission kept running itself over and over in his mind. All variety of outcome keeping sleep at bay. Suppose the woman was a fraud, and the whole mission was for nothing. Suppose they ended up killing an innocent woman by accident? Or what if she was a true Sorceress? Would Irvine be able to shoot her? He had failed before. The pressure and intensity of the situation had gotten to Irvine and he had failed to shoot in time. When he finally had shot, Edea had created a barrier protecting herself. What if Edea had the barrier from the beginning, though? What if Irvine's bullet simply couldn't penetrate the Sorceress's protection?

Finally, the overwhelming exhaustion of thinking overtook his concerns, and he drifted into a mercilessly dreamless sleep.

---

The morning started off bad. One of the squad's tents had been crushed by falling snow in the night. Miraculously, the crew somehow survived, but their tent was now useless. To make matters worse, the entire mountain was packed in fresh snow and ice, which made the trek up the second set of switchbacks even harder.

Evening came quicker than Squall was expecting, and they were still a mile away from their target, which in these conditions was practically 100. But they could not wait for anything, and so he pushed his troops on to continue marching even when night came. They reached the top of the mountain at about 2:00 AM.

Irvine approached the sniper spot with hesitation. A massive metal structure, which appeared to be an old power station, was covered in snow and ice. He walked over and broke open the frozen door. The high-powered rifle had been grafted into one of the windows, with enough swivel room for Irvine to make an accurate shot.

He could tell that this weapon had the recoil of a cannon, and would probably sound like one too, so either way, they would only be getting one shot at this.

"Can you do it?" Squall asked.

"Assuming the recoil doesn't break my shoulder," Irvine said. "Yeah. I've got enough firepower, and at this angle the bullet should fly okay. I'm gonna need to take a couple of things into consideration. Wind speed and direction, etc."

"Okay then," Squall replied. "Tomorrow morning then. The Sorceress will be at the Stone Fields at approximately 0700, which means you have enough time for 4 hours of sleep. I suggest you get it."

And with that, the TSF prepared themselves for their first ever assassination attempt. Irvine, however, never managed to get to sleep.


	8. Shinra Claus

Shinra Claus

(Original Story Concept: Shinra Goes Green)

Author's Note: Okay… I'm just not trying anymore, lol.

---

Once again, the board room was packed. Once again, the good people at Shinra Inc. had a dilemma to discuss. Last time, the company had begun their process of converting their company to the energy-efficient, eco-friendly methodology affectionately referred to as being "green". Today, they were going to discuss how to be "red".

"Okay," said Rufus, shrugging his shoulders. "Well it's the holidays, and I want this company to have a fresh new look for the season. Do we have any ideas, people?"

Scarlet's hand shot up first. Rufus couldn't tell if it was just her sycophantic nature getting the better of her, or if she was just excited about Christmas.

"We could decorate the lobby with a Christmas Tree. We could have materia orbs be ornaments to show how much Shinra is helping the local economy," Scarlet said.

Rufus nodded. The materia market was thriving, and Shinra had a lot to do with it. Even though some people refused to purchase Shinra manufactured materia orbs—choosing instead to go with local vendors—Shinra had purchased every local vendor in Midgar so all the money was going back to them.

Hojo's hand went up after hers. "I could create some mutant elves that go around giving gifts."

There was general murmuring and Rufus shook his head. "Remember the last time you tried to create a mutant?"

"Vaguely-" Hojo trailed.

"Do you remember that mutant eating an entire troop of Cub Scouts?" Rufus asked.

"They provoked him!" Hojo wailed. "My precious pet would never attack unless angered!"

"What did you call him again?" Rufus asked.

Hojo went crimson. "Uh… Bitey McKillsalot."

"Moving on," Rufus said, feeling that he had made his point.

Reeve spoke next. "I feel that we should hold a charity drive of some kind. People are more likely to spend money if they feel that it's going to a good cause, and we could use the money to rebuild some ruined areas of the slums. It will also boost public approval."

Rufus nodded. "I like that… but can we say that the money is going to charity when it's really going to us?"

"It would be frowned upon," Reeve scowled. "Come on, it's Christmas!"

"Fine," Rufus pouted. "Any more suggestions?"

Palmer raised a stubby hand. "We could put on some sort of Christmas pageant. You know, have the employees sing Carols and put on a play of the First Christmas?"

"I like it. Traditional, and yet commercial enough that we can plug our products without fearing the wrath of God," Rufus announced.

Tseng walked over to the window and stared down at a lower landing.

"Hey, do you think those boys are ever going to retrieve my pants?" Tseng asked.

"I got news for you," said Hojo. "The maintenance staff went out there one night to steal your wallet, but left the pants out there."

Tseng cursed, and reached for his shoulder harness. Everyone ducked under the table except Rufus. Tseng's hand slid across his shirt, but found no gun.

"Sorry, but after last week's performance I sort of hid your gun," Rufus said.

"I need that to do my job!" Tseng shouted.

"And destroy a 750 gil window. Not gonna happen this time, buddy," Rufus scolded.

Slowly, the staff returned to their seats and Tseng took his seat as well, pantomiming himself shooting everyone at the table.

"Alright we're off to a great start, is there anything else?" Rufus asked.

"I really think you should reconsider my mutant elves. I mean think about how cute they could be!" Hojo smiled.

"Hojo, you think that spiders are cute. I'll tell you what, if you can describe three body parts of these elves that aren't lethal, I'll let you breed them," Rufus said.

"Uh… lovable green eyes… er… um… pointy ears- but not too pointy! And um… a tail that secretes a mild venom into any opponent?" Hojo explained.

"I'll pass," Rufus replied.

"I said a **mild **venom!" Hojo snapped. "I mean they wouldn't even die… just lapse into a coma from which there is no waking."

"It's like this every year. Remember last year when he wanted to breed mutant Snowmen?" Reeve asked.

"Oh yeah," Scarlet grinned. "Corncob pipe, button nose and two eyes made out weapons grade plutonium."

"Yeah, but that was a stealth security measure! I mean who expects a snowman to slide over and kick your ass?!" Hojo shouted.

"You suggested we sic those beasts on truant schoolchildren!" Palmer shouted.

"You have to admit, after little Timmy got mutilated in the playground, kids took the whole education thing a lot more seriously. Remember my slogan? School: Go there or die horribly," Hojo said the last line with unnecessary glee.

"You remember little Timmy's parents filing a lawsuit?" Tseng asked.

"You remember me creating that couch that fed on human skin and then sending it to the parents as a Christmas present? Solved that little problem, didn't I?" Hojo retorted.

"Oh yeah. At least you clean up after yourself. But still, no mutants this year," Rufus said.

"Oh, fine," Hojo cursed.

"Okay, that's it. That's our Christmas, people. Let's get to work," Rufus ordered.

Everyone left the staff room, preparing for the holidays, except Tseng who was now searching everywhere for his missing firearm.

"Tseng," Rufus moaned. "Your gun is in your regular holster."

Tseng reached for his hip and felt his weapon, snugly in the holster.

"You hid my gun there?" Tseng asked.

"You've got this hidden weapon obsession, you never use the hip holster, so I know that'd be the last place you'd look," Rufus replied, casually. "It worked didn't it. Oh by the way."

Rufus reached into his coat pocket and tossed Tseng his wallet.

"I found the boys who took it and… well I told them the mutant snowman story," Rufus said.

"Thanks, sir," Tseng said, putting his wallet back in his jacket pocket.

"Merry Christmas," Rufus patted Tseng on the shoulder as he headed out of the room.


	9. How Tantalus Stole Christmas

How Tantalus Stole Christmas

(Original Story Concept: Score)

Author's Note: Score is my second favorite story, and yet not many people read it. It was the pinnacle of dark story-telling, something I enjoy indulging in every once in a while. I was going to do an equally dark holiday tale involving the crew of Tantalus, but just couldn't bring myself to do it. So instead, I whipped up this cheesy, Grinch knock-off. Enjoy.

Also, I have chosen to the use the British name for Santa Claus (Father Christmas) in this story, to mix things up a bit.

---

Bagu was looking over Ruby's new plan for yet another heist that would go down in history. Esto Gaza, the sacred city of ice on the Lost Continent, was having a massive Christmas celebration. All the temple maidens and priests would be in the main ballroom of the massive frozen chapel, which would leave the treasure room completely unguarded.

Ruby had estimated the value of the artifacts excavated from within Mt. Gulug and the Shimmering Isle to be worth at least 150,000 gil. She felt somewhat guilty about striking on Christmas, but business had been slow for Tantalus, and even though they were chivalrous thieves who never harmed anyone if they could avoid it, they were still thieves.

"This plan is perfect!" Bagu said stroking his beard. "We'll have Marcus and Cinna run a diversion and have Blank and Zidane make the actual heist."

"I'll be on the dance floor, distracting the guard captain," Ruby smiled.

"And what about you, boss?" Cinna asked.

Bagu had not thought about that. While he rarely went on missions in his old age, he had insisted on going on this one. A heist this grand, he reasoned, deserved the full attention of Tantalus, himself included. But a large man like him would be easily noticed.

"I've got that figured out too. They're going to have a man dressed as Father Christmas arrive by sleigh. I just found out where the staging area is, so we can go hijack the sleigh and have Bagu get in the costume," Ruby explained.

"Devious, as usual," Marcus nodded approvingly. "Reminds me of when we were just kids."

Bagu chuckled. "Ha ha. Yes. Of course the suit fit a bit easier back then."

"That's another thing. We'll need to make you a suit of your own. You can't steal the poor man's costume, he'll freeze to death," Zidane noted.

"Luckily our dear Ruby happens to be a master tailor," Blank said, patting Ruby affectionately on the shoulder.

"Alright then," said Bagu. "Let's board the Prima Vista. Time to head to Esto Gaza!"

---

The marble temple of Esto Gaza was aglow with lights. Two massive Christmas trees were set up on either side of the temple door. Cinna, Marcus and Ruby walked up the stairs in their finest attire. Cinna and Marcus each wore navy blue doublets, Cinna sporting a green beret. Ruby wore a lovely golden gown with a white fur jacket over it. She wore elegant golden earrings, which she had stolen on another gig. Their role was simple. Be on site and run interference in case anybody wanted to head back in the vault. Cinna and Marcus were scheduled to get into a fight shortly after Bagu's arrival, which would create a suitable distraction, allowing Zidane and Blank to sneak into the chambers below.

There was a full orchestra, playing a medley of Christmas songs, such as Away in a Manger and Hark! The Herald Angels Sing. The ballroom was decorated in white and gold decorations, which made Cinna and Marcus feel somewhat unnerved.. Everyone else was dressed for the occasion, sporting white, gold and silver dresses, robes and doublets, but Cinna and Marcus stood out in their dark blue. Then again, their job was diversionary, so this was probably a good thing.

Meanwhile, up at the staging area, almost a quarter mile uphill from Esto Gaza, Bagu, Zidane and Blank had already started their job. Zidane had distracted the would-be Father Christmas by throwing snowballs at him. The man turned in anger to chase him down the hill, where Blank and Bagu were waiting, holding up their knives. Blank locked the man in a large chest, that had once been filled with the decorations for the sleigh, and set the lock on a timer: 1 hour.

"Don't worry, mate," said Blank. "You'll be out in time for egg nog."

Bagu took hold of the reins and Zidane and Blank hid in the bag of presents. Ruby mentioned that the signal for them to make their move would be the lighting of the massive Christmas tree in the back of the temple. The sleigh had no reindeer, but was pulled by four white horses. There was a path leading downhill that had been cleaned, to make it easier for the horses.

"Well boys," Bagu said. "I guess we're on the naughty list this year."

---

"Friends and family, both local and from far off kingdoms, I welcome you to the 23rd annual Yuletide Ball. And now, our mages are in place to light the star at the top of the Christmas tree!" Boomed the voice of the High Priest.

Five mages raised their staffs and wands and five brilliant jets of white, red and green light hit the star on top of the massive tree. It began to glow a bright gold, which lit up the outdoor patio as though it were noon. It also heated the area, and seemed to hold the biting wind at bay. There was a collective sigh of relief at the refreshing warmth.

Bagu took his cue and began to gallop down the mountain, with Blank and Zidane wishing with each stride that they had chosen a more comfortable place to hide.

"And here he comes now!" cried the High Priest. "The man of the hour! Ladies and gentlemen please welcome Father Christmas!"

The crowd broke into applause as Bagu reached the bottom of the hill and brought the horses to a stop.

"Ho! Ho! Ho!" Bellowed Bagu. "Merry Christmas!"

The metaphorical cogs of the plan now clicking in unison, Cinna and Marcus broke into fisticuffs, drawing the crowds, and guards, attention. Zidane and Blank checked to make sure the coast was clear and crept silently into the back door, leading into the ballroom.

---

The antechamber where the treasures were kept was now only guarded by one, very sleepy looking soldier. Blank hit him on the back of the head with the hilt of his dagger, knocking him out cold. They opened the door where the treasure was supposed to be hidden, and there they ran into the first snag of the mission.

The treasure wasn't there.

---

Another snag came shortly after. Ruby's information gathering had failed to reveal that Father Christmas was supposed to give a speech. On the plus side, the fight diverted attention for a bit while the High Priest spoke to Bagu.

"You're not Daniel." The High Priest said.

"Sorry about that," Bagu said. "He's got a touch of the flu and asked me to fill in for him."

"Well… he's supposed to give a speech. Did he give his notes to you?" The High priest asked.

"That he didn't. But I can improvise if you like," Bagu said.

He wasn't lying. Being a thief for many years gave Bagu excellent improvisational skills.

"I suppose you had better," the High Priest now turned his attention to Cinna and Marcus. "Come on now, gentlemen. There is no need to fight! Please, this is Christmas!"

Marcus and Cinna, with equal looks of rage, hesitantly stepped away from each other and apologized to the guards who had tried to break them up. The guard captain walked over to the High Priest.

"Shall we take them to the dungeons, sir?" He asked.

"There will be no need for that," The High Priest replied, bowing slightly in recognition of his work. He then turned to the crowd. "And now, Father Christmas would like to say a few… er… brief words about the holidays."

Bagu approached the podium and prepared to deliver his speech.

---

"This is the right room, isn't it?" Blank asked.

"I don't think Ruby could have messed up this badly. Were they expecting somebody to make a grab at it?" Zidane suggested.

"These religious types may be a bit on the loopy side, but they aren't fools. Maybe they moved the artifacts to another room. Or perhaps this is an illusion," Blank began to feel at the walls, looking for a hidden switch or indication of a magical barrier.

"Why would they have a guard be posted at an empty room? Those sound more like our diversionary tactics than those of lawmen," Zidane commented. And then an awful thought crossed his mind. "Back to the ballroom!"

---

"Good evening, my young friends," said Bagu. "As we all know, I have been doing this gift giving thing for quite some time now. And every year it fills me with more joy than before."

There was mild applause.

"Is it because I gain something from this charity?" Bagu asked. "Yes, and no. I do not receive anything tangible, but I am blessed by the joy of doing charitable work. For, though it is something of an old chesnut, it is far better to give than to receive. Let the holiday spirit remind us all that this is a time not about getting presents, but giving them. And sometimes a present isn't just a toy or tool. The most meaningful gifts of all can be sharing your meal with a neighbor, helping your friend with his burden, or simply performing those random acts of kindness that make us better people."

The crowd again broke into applause, and Bagu could swear that Ruby had tears in her eyes.

"And now, the moment you've all been waiting for," Bagu pointed at the High Priest. "Come here, my good fellow."

The High Priest walked over to Bagu and whispered. "Your's was better than Daniels. Very good."

"Thank you," Bagu whispered back. He then clicked his voice back into a more audible range. "I've got a very special present for you!"

Bagu hiked over to his sleigh and pulled out of the bag a dark red package with a label reading "Give to the High Priest first, then dispense other presents at random."

The High Priest opened the present with a wide smile on his face. However, before he finished opening the box, there was a loud shout from within the ballroom.

---

Zidane and Marcus reached the ballroom in time to see three men in dark black cloaks emerging from various adjacent rooms. They carried large sacks, no doubt filled with the artifacts.

"I knew it! Another thief group!" Zidane cursed.

"Where's Curtis?" One of the men shouted.

"Sorry, he won't be joining you. Had to knock him out," Blank shouted back.

"No matter," said another. "He was just the inside man. More loot for us."

"Kill these two and then we make our leave," said the third, who was clearly the leader.

The guards tried to get back into the ballroom, but they had securely barricaded the doors. Zidane and Marcus drew their weapons. The first thief lunged at Blank, who spun out of the way and slashed him across the back. The man cursed in pain as he tripped over Zidane's outstretched leg and went tumbling down the stairs to the antechamber.

The second lifted a claymore, but swung it wildly, missing Zidane by an arms length, leaving Zidane free to grab him around the neck and slam his head against a nearby pillar, knocking him out cold. The third prepared his attack, but the doors to the ballroom burst open with the help of the mages who had lit the star earlier. The man disappeared in a puff of black smoke, leaving Zidane and Blank to deal with the massive group of guards that now surrounded them.

"Lay down your arms at once!" The guard captain shouted.

Zidane and Blank complied, not knowing what else to do.

"Enough of that, you fool!" said one of the guests. "Can't you see these blokes stopped the others from robbing us blind! Why they're heroes!"

"Leave them be!" Cried another woman. "They're on our side!"

And the crowd burst into shouts defending Zidane and Blank. The High Priest walked up to the two men and shouted for silence. The crowd died down and the High Priest spoke.

"I recognize these men," said the High Priest. "As I now recognize our Father Christmas. They are members of the actor troupe Tantalus. More importantly, they are an organization of thieves."

The crowd hissed, but the High Priest waved them down once again.

"Please. I can easily surmise what happened. These men in dark garments, and these boys of Tantalus were likely after the same objective. The two clashed here, and Tantalus was the victor. Now, these men are clearly not heroes," said the High Priest. "But the men in dark garments would have destroyed our beloved temple in the process, had these men not stopped them. For that, I believe they are to be commended."

The crowd murmured suspiciously, and once more the High Priest stopped them.

"I cannot let these men take the precious artifacts for which they have traveled countless miles to claim. But as to the gold in our coffers, we have no need for it. I will surrender it to these men under one condition."

Bagu approached the High Priest.

"And what condition is that?" He asked, trying to sound like a businessman.

"If you can honestly tell me that those touching words you spoke tonight were meaningless," said the High Priest.

There was a sudden silence. Bagu backed up and walked over to the sleigh. The guards began to follow him, but the High Priest stopped them. Bagu stood on top of the sleigh and grabbed the bag of presents.

"Merry Christmas everybody!" He shouted, tossing the presents onto the people.

"You see," said the High Priest. "I knew that deep in your heart, you knew the right thing to do."

"What?" Bagu asked. "No, I'm just clearing a space for the other bag."

And with that, Zidane and Blank grabbed the black bag filled with gold and leapt onto the sleigh. Ruby, Cinna and Marcus followed suit and Bagu cracked the reins. The good folks could hear him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"


	10. I'll Be Home For Christmas Part 2

I'll Be Home For Christmas- Part 2

(Original Story Concept: Limit Break)

December 23

Mountaintop Outpost Codename: Frost Peak, 0600 Hours

The sun rose high over the mountain, but it did nothing to warm the freezing wintry environment. Irvine was roused at 0600 to get into position. He hadn't slept at all, but he figured that once this mission was done, he could get all the sleep he needed.

He headed over to the sniper spot and waited for any sign of the Sorceress, and her party. Xu, Nida and Squall sat in front of a small space heater they had packed. They didn't dare start a fire, lest the Sorceress see it and reveal their sniper's position. They drank lukewarm coffee to try and fend off the cold and began discussing what would happen should Irvine miss.

"It's the exact same scenario as the Deling City op," said Squall. "If Irvine misses his target, then we engage the Sorceress ourselves. Our air patrols will be in position at approximately 0710. They will drop us right next to the Sorceress's party. Every decoy that hasn't been forced to turn back will be joining us in this assault. I want it nice and clean."

"I thought we were going to use a zipline," Nida said.

"We were, but it's too long a drop and I we'd be sitting ducks on the way down. Plus which, I highly doubt we'd survive the landing, at those speeds," Xu explained.

0630 rolled around, and the soldiers were arming themselves, preparing for the engagement they hoped would never need to occur. If all went well, they would be picked up by the air patrols at 0710 and return to Balamb Garden.

Squall walked over to the power station, where Irvine had been sitting for almost a half hour now.

"How you holding up?" Squall asked.

"No sign of the Sorceress yet," Irvine replied. "But I've got a gut feeling that she's the real deal."

"That's all, huh?" Squall asked skeptically.

"My instincts are usually on the money," Irvine qualified.

"Remember," Squall said. "Don't think. Just shoot. Even if she's a fraud, she's still a threat to Esthar's security. They hired us to make this hit, and we're more than willing to do it."

Irvine nodded. "She's not an innocent. Sorceress or not, she still needs to go."

"Right," Squall said. "Take the shot whenever you see her. Don't wait for a signal, because there won't be one. Just like last time. You're our signal to move."

Irvine nodded again, but said nothing.

At 0645, Irvine began to angle his rifle. Xu, Nida and Squall, ducked low against the cliff edge. Squall pulled out a pair of binoculars and saw nothing.

"He must be testing out his scope," Xu said with a sigh of relief.

"The poor guy must be nervous as hell," Nida said sympathetically.

"Well, he's done this once before. But it didn't go well," Squall said. "He'll have either learned his lesson and succeed, or let the pressure get to him once again and fail. Either way, his part in this mission is just a failsafe. Even if he doesn't make the shot, we're still engaging her group."

0700 had barely ticked off on Squall's watch, when Irvine suddenly made a vast sweep with his rifle. "Target sighted!" He called out. Squall looked downrange with his binoculars. A woman in a long black dress was walking alongside an escort of 12 cloaked men. She wore a mask and kept her hands behind her.

"She's not in range yet," said Irvine. "Holding fire."

Squall's heart leapt as he saw something troubling. The woman's hands were not being held behind her by her own will, but they had been bound there.

"Taking the shot!" Irvine called.

"Hold your fire!" Squall shouted. Irvine barely had time to alter the course of his shot, but he managed to avoid hitting the woman by inches. He hit the foot of one of the men. The woman broke into a run, her mask slipping off to reveal the face of a woman who was clearly not their target. She had long brown hair and dark blue eyes.

"Everybody move in now!" Squall shouted over his radio. "Do not attack the woman, she is a hostage. Repeat, the woman is a hostage!"

The light chopper touched down behind Squall a moment later and everybody huddled inside, including Irvine, who was still shaking. Two sea vessels went blazing by on the shore far below and 20 SeeD members leapt out onto the Stone Fields. Another chopper had already unloaded their package and the second land team had joined them. The chopper took off and headed to join the battle.

"Good God," Irvine said, tears in his eyes. "What if I hadn't missed?"

"Don't think about that," Squall shouted. "I need you focused and ready to do your job Kinneas!"

Irvine nodded, but he didn't open his eyes. And one thought still troubled Squall. If the woman was a hostage, then where was the Sorceress?


	11. Emoticon Valley

Emoticon Valley

(Original Story Concept: Instant Message of Death)

Author's Note: I couldn't think of a better title.

---

cetrababe has signed on at 11:06 PM

exsoldier has signed on at 11:07 PM

cetrababe: can you believe it? one hour to go until new years!

exsoldier: yeah, well you know. did you like your christmas present?

cetrababe: loved it. I got a huge amount of store credit back from it.

exsoldier: you returned it?!?!

cetrababe: you got me a 7 ft sword that i'll never use.

exsoldier: whatever. so what did you get instead?

cetrababe: oh, i got some new clothes.

exsoldier: thank god, you've been wearing that same dress forever!

cetrababe: oh, shut up.

cetrababe has signed out at 11:19 PM

exsoldier has signed out at 11:21 PM

vampireboy has signed on at 11:22 PM

materiagirl has signed on at 11:23 PM

vampireboy: hey, Yuffie.

materiagirl: hey, vincey. wat are you up 2?

vampireboy: waiting for the ball to drop at Junon Square.

materiagirl: OMG, I am at Junon! 0.0 We should totally hook up!

vampireboy: uh, okay. where at?

materiagirl: um, like the pedestrian bridge?

vampireboy: that works. I'll see you in a bit.

materiagirl: later.

materiagirl signed out at 11:27 PM

vampireboy signed out at 11:28 PM

masamunekid signed on at 11:28 PM

karategirl signed on at 11:29 PM

masamunekid: Hey, Tifa.

karategirl: Sephiroth? What are you up to?

masamunekid: oh you know. sharpening my sword, planning to go kill yuffie and vincent.

karategirl: o rly? where they at?

masamunekid: i can see them now. they're kissing on the Junon ped. bridge.

karategirl: no kidding? where are you?

masamunekid: oh, I'm watching the parade. I'm texting from my blackberry.

karategirl: cool. cool. Well happy new years.

masamunekid: my resolution is to finally kill you guys.

karategirl: that's sweet.

karategirl signed out at 11:47 PM

masamunekid signed out at 11:48 PM

exsoldier signed in at 11:49 PM

cetrababe signed in at 11:50 PM

exsolider: ten minutes.

cetrababe: yeah. hey, i meant to ask you, did you like your gift?

exsoldier: um... you gave me a hug.

cetrababe: and it was totally worth it!

exsoldier: wow. um... thanks i guess.

cetrababe: sweet here it goes. 10... 9

exsoldier: okay, it's over now.

cetrababe: yeah, stupid time delay. Happy New Years Cloud.

exsoldier: happy new years. wanna go get drunk?

cetrababe: yeah buddy.

cetrababe has signed out at 12:14 PM

exsoldier signed out at 12:15 PM


	12. A Turkish Christmas Carol

A Turkish Christmas Carol

(Original Story Concept: The Secret Lives of the Turks/ Abyss)

Author's Note: Well, my holiday celebration is almost over, and I know I've already had two Turk stories, but what can I say? I like the Turks. This story is going to follow in the roots of the two stories revealing the dark past of the Turks: The Secret Lives of the Turks and its sequel Abyss. I'm going to continue with my parody of famous Christmas stories, and thus (as you no doubt expect), this will be a parody of Charles Dickens holiday masterpiece: A Christmas Carol.

Also, I realize this joke would work a hell of a lot better with Rufus Shinra, but I've actually seen that idea done.

---

"I have a bone to pick with you," said Reno, as he burst into Tseng's office.

Tseng looked impatiently at Reno, as he set a folder down on Tseng's desk.

"You give me an assignment on Christmas Day?" Reno asked. "What the hell is up with that?"

"You're a Turk," Tseng replied harshly. "It's part of your job to take assignments, no matter how inconvenient."

"Yeah, but come on. This is an assassination mission. It can wait until the 26th," Reno replied.

Tseng drummed his fingers on the desk. He had ordered Reno to take the mission on the 25th, because he knew exactly where the target would be, and when. On the 26th, he could have disappeared to God knows where.

"I have exact information on your target. But since he's in town, I'll let you come in an hour late," Tseng replied.

"Sir, it's Christmas," Reno whined.

"Two hours then," Tseng sighed.

"Two hours is hardly customary," Reno said.

"Well, that's not my problem," Tseng retorted. "Frankly, I'm surprised you celebrate this humbug of a holiday. You're not a child, nor are you a religious man."

"Well, yeah, but still. It's always been a special day," Reno replied.

"And it's a poor reason to slack on our efforts and rob the pocket of Shinra every December 25th. But, as I'm the only one who seems to realize it…" Tseng sighed. "Fine take the day off, but I want to see you bright and early on the 26th."

"Thank you, sir," Reno bowed as he left the office.

---

The next person to enter his office was Reeve, the head of Urban Development. Tseng knew what this was about: it happened every year.

"Merry Christmas, Tseng," Reeve said.

"What do you want?" Tseng asked sharply.

"I was hoping you would donate to the Sector 7 Restoration Fund," Reeve asked.

"Why?" Tseng asked. "That's where the terrorist group was located."

"But still, not everyone there is a terrorist, and certainly not on the plate," Reeve replied. "So how much shall I put you down for?"

"Nothing," Tseng replied coldly.

"You wish to remain anonymous?" Reeve asked.

"I wish to be left alone!" Tseng shouted back.

Reeve turned, insulted, and headed out the door. He stopped and said:

"You know. There are people dying out there."

"They might as well die then," Tseng replied, coldly. "That will solve our overpopulation problem. Decrease the surplus population, you know."

---

Tseng's annoyances were not over yet. A young rookie accidentally barged into his office.

"Oh! Sorry about that, sir," he said.

The man was wearing the uniform of a SOLDIER 3rd Class.

"I'm looking for Director Lazard," he explained. "Where is he?"

"Director Lazard is dead and buried," Tseng replied coldly. "Get out of my office. You're clearly on the wrong floor."

---

Tseng walked out of the Shinra Tower at 6:00 PM, and was immediately accosted by the last person in the world he wanted to see; his subordinate Elena.

"Hey, Tseng!" Elena called. "Merry Christmas!"

"Elena. What are you up to?" Tseng asked.

"Um, I was wondering if you'd like to come to a Christmas party I'm holding tomorrow?" Elena asked.

"I'm not exactly in the mood," Tseng replied.

"Not in the mood?!" Elena asked. "It's Christmas Eve, how can anybody not be in the mood?"

"I'm sorry, Elena, but I have to be going now," Tseng said, doubling back and heading down an alley to his apartment.

Tseng lived in a small apartment in the Sector 8 Plate. His building was located just off of the Fountain Plaza, which meant that he didn't have far to travel before arriving home. He climbed up the stairs until he reached his door. He placed his key in the door, and it shot out of his hand and seemed to pass straight through the door.

"What the hell?" Tseng cursed, as he drew his gun.

He looked up at his door, and watched in horror as the frame seemed to stretch outwards until the contorted face of Director Lazard stared back at him.

"Tseng," whispered the face.

"Director?" Tseng quivered.

"Tseng!" The face shouted.

There was an explosion which sucked Tseng through the door. Everything went black for a moment. When Tseng regained consciousness, he saw the floorboards of his apartment. He looked back and saw his key a few inches from his hand.

He got up cautiously and looked back at the door, which was still open. Sitting in front of the door was one of Tseng's weights. He must have tripped over it on his way in and had a nightmare.

Nonetheless, before retiring, he did a quick search of the rooms.

---

Tseng awoke when he heard something crash in the living room. He looked at his alarm clock: 12:00 AM. Tseng grabbed his gun, and cautiously moved through the house. He saw the shadow of a man standing by his window. He let three shots ring out, but though they hit square in the chest, they seemed not to bother the man.

"You point that weapon at everything?" Came the cool voice of Director Lazard.

"Director Lazard. But you're dead!" Tseng shook.

"Well if I wasn't before, I certainly am now," said the Director.

Tseng now saw that Director Lazard was bound in heavy chains that were attached to his ankles and knees.

"Why do you wear those chains?" Tseng asked.

"These chains I earned in life," Lazard replied.

"What could you have done that was so horrible?" Tseng asked, still in shock at the fact that he appeared to be talking to a ghost. "You were a man of business."

"Business!" Lazard laughed derisively. "Mankind was my business. His welfare was my business."

"Tell me why!" Tseng shouted. "Why do you haunt me now?"

"I am here to prevent you from wearing a set of chains like these when life is done. Tonight, three spirits shall pay you a visit. Learn from them, or else there is no more hope for you," Lazard said. "Expect the first, when the bell tolls one."

Tseng shook his head. "No. No more, I've had enough ghosts for one night."

Lazard laughed. "Tseng. Wake up!"

---

Tseng awoke with a start. He was back in his bedroom, and staring at his clock which now read 12:59 AM. He got out of bed and went over to his bathroom. He turned on the light and washed his face, which was now covered in sweat. He leapt backwards as he heard his alarm-radio go off. The alarm clock now read 1:00 AM. He approached it cautiously, his arms up in a fighting stance. He only knew one thing for certain. He did not set his alarm clock for 1:00 AM.

"Yo," came a girls voice.

Tseng turned with a start, and saw a woman with bright green hair and attire sitting on a chair next to his window.

"Who are you?" Tseng shouted, as he reached for his gun.

"In life, my name was Rydia. But I come to you as the Ghost of Christmas Past," she said.

"What? You mean like long past?" Tseng asked.

"No. Your past," Rydia replied. "Now I could go on, but we've got a lot of ground to cover, so let's move it!"

And with that, Tseng felt the ground leave his feet, and it felt as though he were being pulled from his nose forward into a white blur. When the sensation stopped, he was standing in the snowy fields of Modeoheim, where Tseng had spent his childhood.

He saw his old school friends run by, in the midst of a snowball fight.

"This is amazing. There's Thomas, and Will! Hey guys!" He shouted.

"They cannot hear you," Rydia sighed. "They're just shadows of your past."

"Oh," said Tseng, with mild annoyance.

They walked down the road to an old schoolhouse, which Tseng recognized as his own.

"I remember now. I spent many a Christmas here studying to be a member of SOLDIER," Tseng laughed. "Of course, every child wanted to be in SOLDIER then."

"Yes," Rydia smiled. "I know. To you, Christmas was just another day to train."

Tseng sighed, and then felt the sudden tugging sensation again. This time, they emerged back at the Shinra Tower. Tseng saw a younger version of himself being accepted as a member of the Turks. He was shaking the hand of President Shinra.

"President Shinra," Tseng smiled. "It's a shame Sephiroth killed him. He was a great man."

"I think so too," Rydia smiled. "A tad power hungry, though. But he loved Christmas."

Tseng nodded. "Ah, yes. I remember now."

As though his minds eye could clearly be reflected onto whatever canvas was before him, the scene suddenly shifted to the Shinra Christmas party. Rydia suddenly ran off into the crowd.

"Hey! Wait!" Tseng shouted. As he followed her, he heard bits and pieces of conversation.

"That's right. I'm telling you! Mutant snowmen!" Hojo smiled. "Just bred one the other week. Killed a truant child he did!"

"…stuck in Wutai, if you can believe it. No, the chopper's fine, but we had to save some dumb kid," said a younger Reno.

"…that old guy working at Kalm. Another one died this week, eh?" Sighed Palmer.

He finally caught up with Rydia and saw what she had been looking for. A slightly younger version of himself was chatting up a woman wearing an SIA Blazer.

"My first love," Tseng said. "Catherine."

"Didn't end well did it?" Rydia asked.

"Don't mock me!" Tseng cursed.

"You spent too many Christmas's away from her. And not just Christmas either. Any day you could work, you chose to. You never spent any time with her," Rydia said.

"I was passionate about my job," Tseng replied, coldly.

"Clearly. Moreso than her at any rate," Rydia replied.

"Enough of this!" Tseng shouted. "Begone!"

And it was so.

---

Tseng awoke to the sound of boisterous carols being hummed by what was clearly something large. His alarm clock read 2:00 AM.

He walked out into the living room and heard a high pitched voice shout.

"Come on out, and know me better, man!"

Tseng rounded the corner and saw a small cat sitting on a massive stuffed Moogle, from whence the music was coming.

"You're Reeve's cat," said Tseng.

"And the Ghost of Christmas Present, if you don't mind," Cait Sith replied.

"Okay, we might as well just get this over with," Tseng said, grudgingly.

"That's the spirit!" Cait Sith said. "You oughta know what your buddies are gonna be up to tomorrow morning."

"Hey tomorrow morning is the future, not the present," Tseng said.

"Oh, okay. So shall we go watch people asleep in their beds?" Cait Sith asked. "Come on, it's close enough. Let's get moving!"

The tugging sensation was back, and now they were standing just outside a familiar house.

"This is where Elena lives. I'm guessing this is her Christmas party?" Tseng asked.

"You betcha!" Cait Sith replied.

They walked inside and saw Elena and her boyfriend Andy playing a game, with a crowd of guests watching them.

"Okay," Elena said. "Name the last thing you'd want to kiss."

"A donkey," Andy replied. "Because no matter where you kiss it, you're still kissing an ass."

The group laughed. It was Andy's turn next.

"Who's the last person you'd ask a favor from?" Andy asked.

"My boss, Tseng," she replied. "His idea of a lending helping hand is letting somebody borrow one of us Turks."

There was another raucous laugh.

"Well, so glad you brought me here to insult me," Tseng cursed. "What else have you got in store for me? Is somebody going to unearth my mother's corpse and feed upon it? What else have you got, come on?"

The tugging sensation came back, and they were now standing in front of a small house in Sector 5.

"Well this is Reno's place. What business do I have here?" Tseng asked.

They looked through the window and saw Reno going over the file that Tseng had given him.

"That's the man you've sentenced to death, you know?" Cait Sith replied.

"So?" Tseng asked.

"He's an innocent man. You botched the file. Reno is gonna go for it anyways, even though you said he could have the day off," Cait Sith replied.

"I couldn't have messed up," Tseng said. "This information came directly from Rufus Shinra."

"You put the wrong picture on the file. They were together, and you mixed them up," Cait Sith said.

Tseng shook his head. "I'll… have to double check the information."

"You won't have time. Reno will be leaving bright and early in the morning," Cait Sith sighed.

"Will he... kill the man?" Tseng asked.

"I suppose he will, that's what his mission is," Cait Sith replied. "But then, if the man's gonna die it will help our overpopulation problem. Decrease the surplus population, you know."

Tseng scoffed, and walked towards the door. He knocked on the door and…

---

3:00 AM. Tseng was already up. There was no discernable time difference between him reaching for the door and him seeing the bright red digits flash before his eyes.

"Are you planning on getting up?" Said a dark, but soft voice.

Tseng turned and saw a man wearing a dark red jacket, with spiky black hair. His eyes were concealed with sunglasses.

"Are you the Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come?" Tseng asked.

"Or, Auron. Whichever you prefer," said the man. "Look, I could show you everything, but this story is already dragging on. So let me just say this. If you don't change your ways now, pretty much everybody you know is going to hate your guts, you're going to die alone and in obscurity and in the afterlife you will pushing a boulder up a hill for all eternity."

"Okay, I get the message. I'll be less of an asshole. Could you guys let me get some sleep, I have to work in the morning. No," Tseng realized. "I don't. Tomorrow is Christmas. Wow… a day off. I wonder what that's like?"

"You don't have to wonder," Auron said.

---

Tseng awoke. His alarm clock read 7:30 AM. Sun was shining through his window, birds were chirping, and the nearby church bells were ringing in Christmas morning.

"It's Christmas!" Tseng shouted, as he ran out the door and into the streets.

In front of the fountain plaza he ran into Reeve, who was standing next to a bucket trying to get funds for Sector 7.

"Tseng!" Reeve called. "Merry Christmas!"

"Reeve! There's no time. I have to go stop Reno from killing somebody. Here's my wallet: go nuts!" Tseng shouted as he sped off towards Sector 5.

At Sector 6, he met Elena.

"Hey, Elena! I'll be at your party in a little bit!" He shouted. "Save me a seat!"

Forward, faster and faster he ran, finally stopping at Reno's house in time to see him leave his door.

"Reno!" He shouted.

"Sir?" Reno asked.

"What are you doing?!" He demanded.

"I'm gonna go ahead and take the assignment. You're right. This is a stupid holiday," Reno replied.

"Stupid? It's awesome! Are you stupid?! Look, that file got botched, by… somebody and you've got the wrong guy," Tseng explained.

Reno gasped. "Are you kidding me?"

"No. Sorry, but you can't take on this mission. But why don't you and I go head to Elena's Christmas party?" Tseng asked.

"Um, okay, sure," Reno replied, setting the folder down on his table and shutting the door to his house.

They began to walk back in the direction of Sector 6. Tseng stopped them.

"Oh, and by the way. If you are ever asked the question 'who is the last person you'd like to ask a favor from', the answer is 'a banker, because he knows how much he can charge you for it.'" Tseng explained.

And so it was. Tseng was true to his word, and his name became synonymous with Christmas. Unfortunately, the man that Tseng let go was actually supposed to be assassinated by another guy, and he proceeded to go a murderous rampage that spanned five sectors. But as none of those were Sector 6, Tseng and his friends had a merry Christmas.


	13. I'll Be Home For Christmas Part 3

I'll Be Home For Christmas – Part 3

(Original Story Concept: Limit Break)

---

December 23

Stone Fields, 0715 Hours

The chopper landed with a thud against the hard earth. Squall, Nida, Irvine and Xu leapt out, along with their TSF squads. The other chopper was already airborne again, its teams being led by Zell and Selphie respectively.

Rinoa's mage squad arrived by sea, as did Quistis's Indirect Magic Operatives. Quistis herself was absent because she was pregnant. The other land team was being led by the commander of the Sabres, and now the fields were filled with over 50 SeeD operatives.

The 12 Men who had surrounded the hostage were now joined by at least fifty other men, who appeared out of nowhere. A large stone structure near them spat out other enemies, such as Jelleyes and Geezards, which were a very mundane threat for experienced SeeD members. Standing on top of the central structure, however, was a woman with long black hair, wearing a black cloak. This was their target.

"Okay TSF follow me!" Squall shouted. "We're engaging the Sorceress directly! Brawlers, secure the hostage and get her to safety!"

Zell nodded and his team ran in the direction of the still panicking woman.

"All other teams, deal with the monsters and enemy units!" Squall ordered.

The soldiers saluted and began their attack.

Squall's team ran down the center of the field. On either side of him were the twin TSF squads, helping the command team hold the oncoming enemies at bay. Bullets were flying everywhere. Off in the distance, Squall saw Zell untie the hostage and escort her back to the safety of the chopper. He heard Zell's voice over his radio.

"Hostage secured, standing by for evac."

Closer to the stone structure, Rinoa's mages were gaining the most ground on the enemy, Rinoa herself sending a powerful Firaga spell into the midst of the monster portal. Selphie's team was having a stalemate on the left flank, but they were holding their own, which was the important thing.

Finally, after a half hour of battle, Squall's team reached the Sorceress.

"So," she smiled darkly. "Another group of SeeDs come to eradicate the Sorceress?"

"Stand down, and we will not kill you," Squall said.

"You lie," she smiled.

She sent a massive bolt of lightning crashing through the ranks of the TSF. Xu fell back and Nida was blasted 12 feet. She then used her mind to pick up Irvine throw him back behind her. He landed with a loud crack. Squall had no more time to think. He lifted his gunblade and rushed a the Sorceress.

She sent another crash of thunder through Squall. The numbing shock started at the tip of his blade and went through his entire body. He landed on the ground in front of her.

Squall looked up into the face of death and saw the Sorceress prepare to finish him off.

And then, out of nowhere, a loud crack exploded over the field and the Sorceress fell on top of the pillar, dead.

"What the hell was that?" Squall shouted. "A sniper?"

He glanced over and saw Irvine, holding up his rifle. He had taken the shot.

"Irvine, nice shot," Squall smiled.

"I wasn't aiming at her!" Irvine insisted.

"Relax, she was the real deal obviously," Squall replied.

"No seriously. That was a complete accident. I was shooting at a Geezard over there," Irvine pointed down in the direction of Zell's Squad. "When out of nowhere the bullet got deflected off something and hit the Sorceress."

And, laying on the ground in front of the pillar, was the wrench.

---

Author's Note: Ahahah! I'm an evil bastard who just ended the story with a horrible punch line. Muahahahaha!


	14. Final Thoughts

Final Thoughts

Well, it's been fun writing these short stories. It gave me a chance to revisit some of my favorite stories and explore new angles, not to mention spin some truly corny jokes and yank my reader's proverbial chains.

One of the ulterior motives in writing this story was to get you interested in my other works, and I hope that you have seen at least one story that you'd like to check out besides this one.

Well, until next year, when I will hopefully have 12 new stories to parody… or a better idea.

Merry Christmas!

Visit Jason Tandro's official website at:

.com


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